Plants vs Zombies

Where the hell have I been on this one?  Asleep at the switch apparently.  Admittedly, I've only played the free online version, but it's quite fun even if it's almost impossible to die. 

The basics:  plant plants and veggies to stop the attacking horde of zombies.  I think my favorite zombies are the ones with the traffic cones on their heads.  They seem to be the party animals of the bunch.  They're like the girl at the party who gets drunk way too early and ends up in the corner talking to herself.  Which has never been me.  That I can remember.  (I'm the one that drinks too much and says things like "Thank God I live here" and lets the inner-inappropriateness out.  Sorry, boys.  Your ass is probably going to get pinched.)

Zombie House

I probably shouldn't be telling you this.  Y'all know our house is the safe house, right?  We're stocked.  We have a plan to pillage the other houses in our HOA. 

My kid is the John Connor of the zombie apocalypse. 

It started in 2008 when I was pregnant with  him.  My version of nesting included stocking up on food and water, and it started before I knew I was pregnant.  The kid knew we'd need it.  Yes, the expiration date has passed on most of the food, but it's canned (tinned as the Brits would say), and it can't be that horrible.  Besides, you never know what you'll eat during that hour of despair.

Anyway.  The scenario is set.  There will likely be 15 people, 11 cats and 4 dogs in this house.  The animals will be the first to go, let's face it.  If we have to toss one out an upstairs window as a diversion, we'll do it.  We already know which of our friends will be the "It's game over, man!" guy, who's going to hook up, who's going to snap and kill one of us, and which dumbass is going to try to train a zombie to ride a stationary bike to power the generator.  (She's not going to live long, that's for sure.)  We also know who's going to punch a hole in the roof and sit up there with a rifle to thin the herd and in which order the survivors will arrive. 


It's our own little zombie LARP soap opera.  There's got  to be a play in there somewhere.

Zombie Manage-a-trois

I was just thinking at lunch today that it had been a little while since I posted and wondered what I could do.

And then I happened upon this image at Ugliest Tattoos.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously. Zombie porn? Really, guys? As if the zombie penses (yes, that's the actual plural of penis - look it up) as dildos weren't creepy enough, along comes this. It's like a train wreck you can't look away from. The tattoo itself is awesome in the colors artwork, but the subject matter is a touch disturbing even to me and not just because it's a DP porn scene, which creeps me out on a whole other plane of existence.

Then again, if you've ever seen Peter Jackson's Dead Alive (yes, that Peter Jackson who won an Oscar for LOTR) you know that zombies do indeed have sex in that world. Especially if they're zombie priests, which is just hi-fucking-larious.

Zombie Tastes.

I have been asked to write a new post as the penis dildos are not for everyone's taste (pun intended).

Speaking of taste....when the apocalypse happens and your food supply has run out and you've already eaten the cat, at what point do you turn to your survival-mate and begin to look at him like he's the ham at Christmas dinner? When does Cooking with Jeff actually become cooking with Jeff? Where do you start? Appetizers of fingers and toes like chicken wings and then move on to a palatable radius and ulna sound lovely at first, but wow....how about that ass! A couple of whacks with a mallet to get it nice and tender and a dash of steak sauce? Yummy!

I'm guessing a nice red to go with your meal, but possibly a lovely zin. Here are two you can try.

Zombie "Toys"

Okay, look. I love zombies. Anyone who even remotely knows anything about me me knows I heart all things zombie. Except that thing over there. This is a bit much, even for me. Seriously.

A zombie dildo. Who thinks this stuff up? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that it's available in a five-color design in a variety of base colors, but you've got to have something a little wrong if you like to get off to a ripped-skin and pustule-covered dildo. (You're even more sick if you like this one.)

And the zombie dildo is $245.00 a pop, which means that it better get up and make me breakfast in the morning. There is, however, a more reasonably priced one-color version available for only $150.00. One in Skank Pink, please!

Actually, maybe I'll go for this one instead. It sparkles. I'm on Team Edward, don't you know.

Zombie Tattoos

I want a new tattoo. Putting aside for a moment that my husband says he'll leave me if I do (he's threatened after each of my previous ones), the question becomes what to get? I've already got tattoos representing three of my most favorite things ever: Star Trek, theatre, and New Orleans. Where do you go from there?

Zombies.

Cute and cuddly zombies like this one to the left, or just plain freaky like this one? Probably cute and cuddly, although neither are going to look that great when you're in the nursing home, but whatever.

Once you've decided on the tattoo, the question then becomes where do you get it? I've always had this feeling that my left side is my "bad" side. Not in a taking pictures kind of way; in a evil way. (It's one of my quirks, like not wanting crunchy foods and soft foods to mingle, i.e. tuna and celery.) Because of this, four of my six tattoos are on the left side of my body. The one that is on my right was surprisingly difficult to reconcile, but I worked through it. Should I continue with the left theme, or start on the canvas that is my right side?

Oh, who am I kidding? Zombies, schmombies. If anything I'll get a tattoo of a vintage Fiestaware coffee pot in cobalt like my grandmother had. Dishes. Another obsession.

Ooooh! A zombie dish tattoo....

Zombie Survival: Up or Down?

The zombies are coming. Your fight or flight response has told you to get your ass out of there, but which way do you go when faced with a zombie horde: up or down? As seen in virtually every horror movie ever made, you go up.

It's a natural response, really. If you're being chased by a rabid wombat and your choice for getting safely out of its reach is either a hole or a tree, let's face it. You're climbing the tree. Jump into that hole and the wombat is coming after you trying to crush your skull with its hind legs to get at the yummy goodness of your brain. (No really, they do.)

It's the same thing with zombies. You're in your living room enjoying a movie, a beer and a bon bon when the apocalypse happens and you've been caught with your pants down. You never got around to blocking the windows. You can't even get to the kitchen to get a rolling pin. Basement or second floor, you ask yourself. The stairs will trip them up for a minute or two buying you some precious time to formulate your escape plan. Going to the basement will put you in a corner with no chance of escape at all.

There isn't a choice; you go upstairs.

But then what? You never got that rifle you meant to get, your gardening tools are in the basement, and the only bat you can find is of the whiffle variety you kept as a souvenir from that wild pool party last year. You look out the window to see if there's a chance to escape the house. Nope. The entire neighborhood is crawling with zombies. You've only just prolonged the inevitable and wonder if you should have gone to the basement instead.

The basement has your tools and some staples you stocked up on from Costco. Sure, you may be able to barricade the door, but once you're down there you're stuck for the duration, and you can't last long on 25lbs of flour and a gallon of mustard.

There's no sense of debating it. You're screwed. No matter which way you go, you're going to get cornered and eaten.

Sorry, Charlie.